November Musings
by Berzerkerprime
Summary: Fall UC 0079. As White Base nears the battle field of Operation Odessa, the crew struggle to resolve their problems with each other. A study in characterization and interplay between the cast.
1. Bright Noah 11/27/79

October 27, 0079 UC  
  
I'm constantly amazed by the strange happenings my crew is facing in this war. It doesn't matter how much training I might have had as a cadet; none of it would have prepared me for any of what I'm facing now.  
  
Amuro came back to White Base today. Frau had gone out looking for him on her own and found him. She was either the world's greatest tracker or the world's luckiest one man search party, but she actually managed to find him. She also found the Zeon commander Ramba Ral whose men have been after us for some time. He allowed Frau to leave unharmed, a fact for which I will always be grateful despite Ral's motives in it; his men followed her back to White Base while we were set down making repairs. Ral's subsequent attack on us was enough to bring Amuro out of hiding, Gundam and all.  
  
The policy has been to treat Amuro and the RX-78 as two separate entities, but somehow that seems to make either one incomplete. No matter how many times I try to make it official by writing it out on forms, documents, and other pieces of paper, I can't deny that the mention of one brings on the immediate thought of the other. And now that they're both back, I also can't deny that I feel a certain degree of relief; whether it's for the Gundam or Amuro, I can't be certain. It's a very strange thing to try and wrap one's brain around.  
  
In any case, I now have to decide what to do with Amuro. In the case of a regular military unit, desertion would be punishable by death; however, as he is so fond of reminding me, Amuro isn't regular military. I have to take that into account. But I also have to take into account the fact that the Federation is desperately undermanned at present, and that Amuro stole a classified prototype. I also have to take into account that he didn't take the RX-78 to the Zeons; this can most certainly be taken as loyalty to the Federation and to White Base, I suppose.  
  
I'm also faced with the difficult realization about myself; I keep trying to think of reasons to go one way or another on the issue rather than actually try to come to a decision. I don't know what that means. But, in those few, short, and far between moments when I actually pose the real question to myself, I can't ignore that part of me that says "just kill him and be done with it."  
  
It's a frightening thing to find you'd rather have someone dead than have to deal with them. I've never met anyone like him before; it's almost as though he tries his hardest to find ways to test me, to see how far he can push me. No one, not even my father, has ever gotten under my skin quite so much; it's bloody maddening.  
  
For now, Amuro is in the ship's brig. From time to time, I'll open the comm circuit to the hallway and check in on him. I heard the most astounding thing just after the others had put him in there; he was saying something about how he was the strongest and had to be in order to beat "that man," whoever that is. It puzzles me because just over a month ago he was saying the opposite. On Luna Two, he came right out and said that all his strength as a pilot was because of the Gundam's self learning program. This sudden turn about in attitude is just one more puzzling factor in the issue. I'm beginning to wonder if Amuro is having trouble separating himself from Gundam as well.  
  
Despite all this, we managed to turn back Ramba Ral's attack once again. We managed to destroy one Zaku and a Gouf that had managed to land on one of the engines at aft. Mirai deserves all the credit for getting it the enemy Mobile Suit off the ship; she actually flipped White Base over in a roll. It was an amazingly simple solution that I'd never have thought of; it goes against textbook upon textbook of military training, since a ship the size of White Base wouldn't normally be capable of such a maneuver. Perhaps that was why she thought of it and I didn't. She was the only one shipside who didn't have a seat to buckle into for the maneuver and insisted it didn't matter despite the fact that I…  
  
That's perhaps the most astonishing thing of the day. I hadn't thought of it until now, but now it jumps out as a most palpable fact. In the midst of all the chaos of the battle, while the entire ship was in danger of blowing up from the Gouf's attack on the engines, my first and foremost thought was for Mirai's safety. Strange that nothing else would matter right then.  
  
I don't know when or how it happened, but one thing I do know for certain; once White Base had righted itself once again and Mirai had finished somersaulting around the bridge, no protocol, no regulation, no stampeding herd of mad cows could have kept me from getting out of that command chair to help her. The relief I felt for Amuro and Gundam's return pales in comparison by several orders of magnitude compared to the relief I felt that Mirai was unharmed.  
  
It's still another thing about myself of which I am unsure. She's a friend, to be sure. But I don't know if my concern for her safety is simply due to that, or due to some admiration for the one constantly steady, supportive rock beneath my feet she has been, or due to some kind of…  
  
But that would be inappropriate of me, wouldn't it. I'll have to watch that. After all, I am White Base's commander. 


	2. Mirai Yashima 10/29/79

October 29, 0079 UC  
  
Ramba Ral attacked us again today. He and his men actually got into the ship. The sheer stubbornness of his unit is quite frightening. Amuro destroyed all their mobile suits two days ago and still they attack. And they attack well, too.  
  
We lost quite a few people in the hand to hand battle. We might have lost four more, too, if Ryu hadn't chased after Kai, Hayato, Howard, and Maximillian. The four of them took one of the buggies and left the ship. I'm starting to wonder if it's some kind of fashion or something.  
  
Bright said something astonishing to me today. He slipped it in edge- on, obviously trying to be subtle about it. We were both down in the launch bay, seeing Ryu off as he chased after our newest errant crew members. He was frustrated, understandably so, we all are. Bright confessed to me that he felt a very ill at ease while Amuro wasn't around. He also mentioned that he thought there was something special about me, which was the part he tried to drop in without my noticing, almost as if he had to get it off his chest or something. I was about to ask him what he meant, but he moved on right away on to the main topic, so I decided it would be better to let it go; no need to make things any more complicated around here. He asked me what I thought all this was about and I admitted I didn't know.  
  
He didn't react except to sigh, shaking his head. He left, then, mentioning something about getting some aspirin before returning to the bridge. I'm really beginning to worry about him; I don't think he's been sleeping well.  
  
It wasn't long after that that the Gallop and the Kyuis attacked. Sayla launched in the Gundam and Bright decided to let Amuro out only to fire the aft guns. All of us on the Bridge were focused on Gundam; I think we all wanted to see if Sayla could pilot it as well as Amuro. That was of course broken up when Ral's team boarded White Base. Bright wasted no time in leaving the Bridge to join the battle. The most astonishing thing is that he left me in charge. It's even more astonishing that no one seemed to have a problem with it; Marker, Oscar, Job, everyone was perfectly fine with it. Does that make me second in command? No one ever bothered to define any chain of command. Maybe that's just how it works in the military, I don't know.  
  
It was the most devastating attack we've ever faced. Several people were killed. And Ryu was badly wounded. All of Ramba Ral's men were killed, as was Ral himself. He jumped right out the hole that had been blown in the sub bridge with a grenade, telling us that that was the fate of any true warrior; to die.  
  
Sayla seemed particularly disturbed by watching Ral's death. I don't know what she's so terrified of, but there is definitely something in her heart she's trying to hide from us. Perhaps she's scared to be afraid and scared we'll find out. Maybe it's something else, I just can't tell.  
  
Bright likewise is desperately trying to hide how terrified of this war he is. He's becoming an increasing failure at it, too. We were burying our fallen a little while ago and I spotted him on the upper deck, watching, rather than coming down to join us. I think this attack has hit him hard and doesn't want the others to see that.  
  
He and Amuro managed to work together quite well today, but as soon as the attack was over, they fell back into their familiar pattern of verbal sparring. Amuro's back in the brig now. Not that it makes either one of them happy.  
  
We've begun repairs and maintenance to White Base now. There's a lot to do. I just wish we had enough time to do some on ourselves as well. 


	3. Sayla Mass 10/30/79

October 30, 0079 UC  
  
This war is driving everyone mad.  
  
It occurs to me that I've spent a considerable amount of these pages writing about my own issues in this war, my family problems, and my quandary about my brother. But as a part of this crew, I'm forced to pay attention to them as well.  
  
We lost Ryu today. Everyone took it pretty hard; he was a dear friend to all of us, after all. He was almost like the big brother we all needed. I don't know how he managed to get out of the infirmary in the first place, but he saved both Amuro and White Base by what he did. Everything stopped for an instant when his Core Fighter slammed into that Magella top, but since it was a battle…  
  
As soon as we decided it was safe to leave the ship, we all poured outside to inspect the flaming remains of the two destroyed fighters, as if there was anything we could do, as if we could bring him back. The general consensus was that we all screwed up bigtime. Everyone was grabbing for blame. I think everyone was trying to make each other feel better about it, as if it wasn't their fault. But there's nothing to be done about that, either.  
  
I think Amuro and Bright took it especially hard. I could tell it hit them both like a ton of neo-titanium that Ryu is not going to be around to keep them working together. It seems to me like it weighs heavily on them that it's up to them to work together now. That may be the one bright spot in all this; they finally agreed on something. I know I'm not the only one who noticed it. Bright and Amuro were both on the ground on all fours with tears streaming down their faces. You expect that from the rest of us… but from them?  
  
It scares me, to be honest.  
  
The two of them returned to the ship last, after a considerable amount of time. Mirai and I were on the Bridge quite a while later. She looked out the window toward them and sighed which is what got me to start watching them. Across the expanse of sand, I could see that Amuro had finally gotten to his feet while Bright was still hunched over, his shoulders sagging, sitting cross-legged in the sand. I could see that Amuro was saying something to him, but I don't know what. He looked to be rather adamant about something. If Bright said anything to Amuro in response, it wasn't evident from our place on the Bridge. From where Mirai and I were, it looked as though Bright simply stood and somberly walked back to White Base, a blank expression on his face. Amuro watched him go and from his reaction, I don't think he was satisfied with the answer, if there was one. He shouted a sentence right before Bright entered the ship. I only just barely made it out; "Are you the commander or aren't you!? Well!?"  
  
Bright stopped in his tracks. He made no other indication that he had even heard Amuro. Instead, he looked up, along the side of the ship, then entered as if having to force himself to do so.  
  
Amuro paused for a moment longer, looking from the ship to the remains of the fighters, and back again. Finally, looking as tired as a man three times his age, Amuro returned.  
  
Next to me at the window, Mirai abruptly turned around and leaned against the window, squeezing her eyes closed.  
  
"I didn't see that," she told me, "I did not just see that… and neither did you."  
  
I nodded in agreement. Bright and Amuro both hide what they feel to their own ridiculous extents. But that particular scene certainly didn't need to get around the ship and it certainly didn't need to have any bearing on what happened on the Bridge. We still have a lot of fighting ahead of us before we even make it to the Odessa Offensive.  
  
At least the battle on one front is finally over. But it, too, is not without its casualties. 


End file.
